The Definition of a Hellbound Tenebrific Soul
by Sanoiro
Summary: Lucifer is coming to terms with what it means to be unworthy before Chloe finds him on the beach. 2x11


Chapter Notes: I was just playing around with some ideas... I've actually counted how many times he tells her he is the Devil by the way.

* * *

 **The Definition of a Hellbound Tenebrific Soul**

He had to cool down. Tonight a truth was spoken loud and clear. He was not a man nor a monster. He was something evil and foreign in this part of Creation. He was much worse than any sinner who had ever walked on this Earth. In search for a place to examine this _realisation_ he had stumbled upon, he found himself parked near the ocean. Taking the keys off the engine he got out of the car and with a struggled breath he freed himself from his restricting jacket.

Every step he took he did it in complete darkness. Only the sound of the waves breaking on shore could tell him how far the water was. Jacket dropped on his right shoulder he welcomed the sinking of his shoes in the still cool sand. The sensation was familiar. Instead of churning ash around him, sea salt was assaulting him with every passing breeze. Licking his lips he could savor the salty aftertaste with the crunchiness of the odd sand that made it into his mouth. Swallowing everything the gust of wind had to offer he closed his eyes. It was a trick he had soon learned in Hell. When in darkness, attempt to see the light. If he shut his eyes hard enough, he could still see the blazing greeting of one of his first creations.

"You had to make a point out of this didn't you?" He chuckled in no one in particular yet he hoped He was listening. A doubtful wish or need really.

When was He had ever taken into account his wishes or most importantly his needs? Hell had done a number on him and he knew it. It was the deep lacerations on his fragile soul that were still pouring out his divinity. At least until she came along. He had had just enough left, now badly bandaged by her odd timed touches to assume he was worthy of being free. Of being hers. That last one was what still flared widely in this maddening conviction of his. Yet how could you give yourself when they refused to take it?

"Easily" He breathed with great uneasiness to the world around him which at some point he would have to leave behind. Oh, he would stay enough to make sure she was safe and perhaps even happy and then time as always would win.

Lucifer was good with time and numbers. Both correlated so closely after all. Out-coming particles of light and incoming souls of darkness tend to make you an expert on the field. Out of habit he still counted the steps to her desk from the stairs of the precinct. He had found himself count her breathing in the crime scenes as her heartbeat picked up its pace in grief. He had even caught himself being lulled by her slow breathing while on a long stakeout just before sleep overtook her for a few minutes. Always five to ten minutes max.

Numbers never lied as neither did time. This has not his time and he knew it better than anyone else. He could force a moment but never on the right time. Never the right moment. Between the darkness and the break of light in the far distance, he opened his eyes to see what he was missing all along.

"I have told you eleven times what I am. _Who_ I am." He croaked in the softly slow blowing wind.

"I have implied it twenty-seven times. You see I have been counting even if you haven't." Lucifer would never know if he was talking to her or Him. It still didn't matter as he was convinced no one was listening. They never seemed to listen.

"In the past 358 days I have fallen more than I ever thought possible and now I see that I have no right to demand a chance. There was never any." The seagulls flew over him making his breathing even more difficult for the day that had not even begun yet.

Lucifer would never regret his decision to demand free will nor the time he had to spent in Hell for that. Perhaps though Father could have been more merciful and destroyed him when Lucifer had defied Him. This particular extension of his punishment was too difficult for him to bear. A plan of His was never meant to be a good one. There were no wings to give him solace of what he once was. The security that Father had his back somehow. There was no promise of anything being remotely good in him anymore. Perhaps Father had been right all along.

 _'He was simply… not worthy'_

His eyes stung although he was too tired to blame the wind. For all his desire to have control over himself and be his own man he forgot the crucial detail in the haze of a deeper gut wrenching feeling. He was not a man. He was not Father. He was no Angel and he certainly was the Devil. Thus, how could he demand to control her choices? How could he demand her soul when he had expressed that souls were not commodities to be bargained as such. He was unworthy and he had finally come to terms with that. After all, she had never pretended to care as deeply as he apparently did.

Looking at the distance he willed whatever wanted to escape his eyes back and took in what he could love freely. This part of Creation was enough for now. It was dark, almost bottomless and held so much life in it. The ocean in the break of the morning was painted exactly like her grey-blue eyes.

He could watch it unravel in the distance without hiding from her what flourished underneath the ash and brimstone deep in his ancient chest. Lucifer could look at that and fool himself for a moment that it was her looking back at him. That the wind was her hand brushing his tousled hair before he had to say goodbye to his feelings for her.

"Hey, I've been looking for you everywhere." The breathless sound of her voice didn't surprise him. He had felt the chill milliseconds before she broke the silence

 _'Father not so soon…'_

Lucifer stilled himself unmoving on the sinking sand. The time had come much sooner than he had expected it to be. Saying goodbye would be proved to be difficult. After all, he never had anyone before to say goodbye to.

 **The End**

* * *

1) Season 1: Lucifer tells her directly he is the Devil: 8 times. He implies he is the Devil: 19(!)  
Season 2: Lucifer tells her directly he is the Devil: 3 times. He implies he is the Devil: 8.  
After 2x09 he never mentions that he is the Devil in front of Chloe. If you remember his session with Linda and why she is the only one who knows he is the Devil you will probably get why... He cannot even imply who he really is anymore.

2) I just had this idea and it turned to a ficlet instead of a drabble... Well, what is a drabble for me again?

3) In the end, I use something from the comics. If you can find it of course... By the way, I still haven't read the last issue yet


End file.
